Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
