dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wanna passion pit in your ass
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
