When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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