I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
