How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my liver is dry heaving
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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