Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
