He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
