5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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