I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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