I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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