holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
