so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
