we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
