I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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