I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
