i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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