i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
