I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
