Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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