I should be sponsored by Trojan
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
