I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
