if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
