i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
