as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
