I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
