i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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