i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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