my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
