It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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