my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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