his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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