please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
