Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
