Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
