I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
