shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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