Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
