if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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