Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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