True but thats because hes a fetus.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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