1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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