You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
