toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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