I'm pants shitting drunk right now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
