Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
