you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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