i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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