I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can you bring me the toilet please
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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