i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
