alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
